Boundaries

The Link Between Honesty and Intimacy in Dating

Proverbs 9:8 - "Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you; rebuke the wise and they will love you."

One of the most important things that you can do in a dating relationship that is getting anywhere near serious is to be honest about hurt and conflict. If you are dating someone, and there is a problem in some way that he or she has treated you, or some hurt that you have suffered, you must be honest. There are two important reasons you need to be honest about conflict:

1. Being honest resolves the hurt or the conflict.
2. When you are honest, how the other person responds tells you whether a real, long-term, satisfactory relationship is possible.

If you are hurt in some way, bring it up. Don’t harbor bitter feelings. Or, if there is something that the other person has done that you do not like, or goes against your values, or is wrong, it must be discussed. If you don’t you are building a relationship on a false sense of security and closeness, and it is possible that your feelings will be confused by hurt and fear. A lot is lost in not finding out who the other person is and where the relationship could really go, if one or both people are not facing hurt and conflict directly. In reality, a conflict-free relationship is probably a shallow relationship.

Second, you need to find out if the person you are with is capable of dealing with conflict and hurt directly. The Bible and all relationship research is very clear on this issue: people who can handle confrontation and feedback are the ones who can make relationships work. You must find out now, before it is too late, if the person you are with is someone you can talk to. If you get serious with someone who cannot take feedback about hurt or conflict, then you are headed for a lifetime of aloneness, resentment, and perhaps even abuse.

Proverbs puts it well about a person who cannot take confrontation: “Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you” (Proverbs 9:8). “A mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise” (Proverbs 15:12).

You need to know if you are in a relationship with someone who is going to be defensive when you bring up hurt or conflict, or if you are with someone who is going to be able to listen, learn, and respond. If you do not deal with conflict now, and the relationship gets serious, then you have bought yourself a world of trouble.

Honesty over hurt and conflict creates intimacy, and it also divides people into the wise and the foolish. But being honest is totally up to you. What the person you are dating does you cannot control. But you can decide what kind of person you are going to be, and as a result, you will also be deciding what kind of person you are going to be with.

This devotional is drawn from Boundaries in Dating, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.